i would if i could

 I would, if I could 

Stars were brighter than ever that night. The sky seemed clearer. It’s the coming spring night after winter gone. In mid of night I was lying on bench of park near to my house. With every passing moment I was in imaginary world of mine. That night I was wondering that. Will I come over on my all fears, on my all factors? Actually what I think so the night was not brighter than ever it’s my look, it’s my observance that seemed to deeply. I was dreaming too deeply and felt a soft fur touches my feet. Suddenly I can see a cat around my feet. This little animal spoiled my all live dream. I just started loving her. Actually if think that little event now, cat didn’t spoiled my dream or distract me from that live dreaming. It just turned me to the real world. Moreover this is not important to discuss on cat more. But i m the person with extra dreaming, kind of highly sensitivity about even little things. This habit allows me to think more but sometimes it vibrates my head.  

 I was a teenager, studying in high school. I was a boy who is highly sensitive, very blessed with many skills. I believed more on planning than working. Yes, may be its not true but I believed. I didn’t had a lot of friends, only had some selected ones. I believed that with planning and overthinking a person gets his points easily. A person can reach to any point he want. I wanted to do such a thing that is remembered after me by rest of world. Anything closer to me valued much. I was over thinker and always think about the things that could even never happen. Nothing is impossible but there is requirement of a lot of sources for that. I was blessed with skills like writing, singing and had knowledge about digital era and little bit about languages. I wanted that May my skills improve much that I can handle these all fields at a time simultaneously. And then I can become a multi-professional in many passions. About 30% of knowledge about designing can makes me a designer. That was not easy but not impossible. I started some part time classes from a musician. He kept teaching me about singing and told me about the instruments use to make the singing effective. When I heard about that instrument I tried to take classes on violin learning. After 2 month of practicing I know to use the bow. Tighten bow, rosin the bow and some tuning. That time I had much grip on bow. Playing strings lightly and making sweet sound and sounds like birds tweeting all around. That was golden time for me I was enjoying and learned much. At 4:00 pm in afternoon I was sitting on my chair with my violin and playing that sweetly. My two class fellows were sitting back to me and writing some stuff they know better. Sweet Sound of my strings was lying in room and there was very peaceful atmosphere there. A hand was placed on my shoulder. I turned my head. I see my friend John standing and there are tears in his eyes. My hand stopped playing strings and I was gazing him with questioning eyes that what happened? He raised his bowed head lightly and said in a low voice  

“Our beloved teacher left us in this insincere world’ then he hug me tightly and said  

“He gone in heaven ’  

John was also very sensitive and he was very close to teacher. Alas! He can never return. 

After death of my musician professor I couldn’t continue my music lessons more. That chapter of music learning in my life was closed, 

The sayings and advices from my musician teacher were staying constantly in my mind. I was only continuing my study after that death. After 6 months I realized that I should go for army training held in our district. I applied for 3 month training in summer vacations. But after that I decided to quiet that and continue my study. 

Final papers were held in our school. When exam finished, I started a job in nearby foundation as a duty manger. This job was only a time pass till my result. But unfortunately one night my father told me about their health issues and they insist me to marry her niece. I refused because my perspective for life was different. My old mother and father insist me more and I agreed with this mindset that I will focus on my aims and my goals after marriage. 

But what did I know that I will tie up and responsibilities are waiting for me. After two years of marriage I had a baby girl. I was looking forward to my future, but now I had to going through hurdles by kept eye on my family future also. After 3 years of my marriage my mother died and after one year the death of my mother, my beloved father died. My wealth condition was not too great to handle all the system in house. In my wife weak heart and breathing problem diagnosed. And I couldn’t imagine how my luck goes in dark. My wife passed away after two year fighting with diseases. Bad luck snatched a mother from an angel. 

Really I was too young to be in this much pain. That was worst condition ever for me. I was very sensitive and that’s why their missing place feels a lot. After 5 years I set my job efficiently and then I felt that I have to rise up with my skills. I started writing novels and applications for different departments. I was very far from me, the older me. Where my skills gone, where my knowledge gone. The thing values for me were to take care of my sweet daughter alone. I know I can go to option for second marriage or keeping my angel to any relative’s house but I couldn’t do that. In this fake kind of world I knew no one was with me and I have a daughter and she has a father and she is the world for me and I’m the world to her. So how could I leave her alone in un-sincere world? She’s mine and I had to look after her. Life took me to the point I never imagined. With time I realized there is still need to do the things I want. May be they will difficult but never impossible. Wanted to improve my singing and playing the instrument more. I had written many novels and other stuff and I could speak three languages at that time. I was in age 40 that time, my daughter build up into a sweet girl. She helped me to manage the house and she was also very careful and honest. 

Job that I was doing was not producing amount that could help me to publish my books and moving towards my bright future. When ever tried for new step, life gave me a hurdle to jump on. The main thing was the sources. If a person has sources to move on in life and ways to walk on, He would reach closer to destiny. Also I think so that hurdles come and go but they made you stronger every time but loss of your beloved ones makes your view about life meaningless. 

I know there are very responsibilities more for me, very tasks to fulfill in my life. Also death is waiting for me on some specific day. This is not valued for me now. Still I have a lot of works and objectives that should be done before my death. 

Now I can realize may be my perspectives were impossible, my imagination was too high than my act. I had many skills and I tried to be master on them simultaneously and that was impossible. On the other hand life gave me harsh days, hard decisions and deep lessons. Still my view is not changed I would come over my all fears if I could, and I will try continuously.  

This is not important now that my life gave me no sincere relations or my young years of life just passed away fighting with my difficulties. I would do things but feeling in my in is fed upped. 

 I’m faded now, I want to do things again but jaded. 

Actually the memory of my whole life vexed me. I want to do things but want to spend life with other responsibilities. My imagination doesn’t suits to my life’s story. But time doesn’t wait for anyone to fight his fears and come back to continue his life. It just passed away. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally tired. 

Its passing away with time, I’m done trying to be in it. 

 I would, if I could 

Stars were brighter than ever that night. The sky seemed clearer. It’s the coming spring night after winter gone. In mid of night I was lying on bench of park near to my house. With every passing moment I was in imaginary world of mine. That night I was wondering that. Will I come over on my all fears, on my all factors? Actually what I think so the night was not brighter than ever it’s my look, it’s my observance that seemed to deeply. I was dreaming too deeply and felt a soft fur touches my feet. Suddenly I can see a cat around my feet. This little animal spoiled my all live dream. I just started loving her. Actually if think that little event now, cat didn’t spoiled my dream or distract me from that live dreaming. It just turned me to the real world. Moreover this is not important to discuss on cat more. But i m the person with extra dreaming, kind of highly sensitivity about even little things. This habit allows me to think more but sometimes it vibrates my head.  

 I was a teenager, studying in high school. I was a boy who is highly sensitive, very blessed with many skills. I believed more on planning than working. Yes, may be its not true but I believed. I didn’t had a lot of friends, only had some selected ones. I believed that with planning and overthinking a person gets his points easily. A person can reach to any point he want. I wanted to do such a thing that is remembered after me by rest of world. Anything closer to me valued much. I was over thinker and always think about the things that could even never happen. Nothing is impossible but there is requirement of a lot of sources for that. I was blessed with skills like writing, singing and had knowledge about digital era and little bit about languages. I wanted that May my skills improve much that I can handle these all fields at a time simultaneously. And then I can become a multi-professional in many passions. About 30% of knowledge about designing can makes me a designer. That was not easy but not impossible. I started some part time classes from a musician. He kept teaching me about singing and told me about the instruments use to make the singing effective. When I heard about that instrument I tried to take classes on violin learning. After 2 month of practicing I know to use the bow. Tighten bow, rosin the bow and some tuning. That time I had much grip on bow. Playing strings lightly and making sweet sound and sounds like birds tweeting all around. That was golden time for me I was enjoying and learned much. At 4:00 pm in afternoon I was sitting on my chair with my violin and playing that sweetly. My two class fellows were sitting back to me and writing some stuff they know better. Sweet Sound of my strings was lying in room and there was very peaceful atmosphere there. A hand was placed on my shoulder. I turned my head. I see my friend John standing and there are tears in his eyes. My hand stopped playing strings and I was gazing him with questioning eyes that what happened? He raised his bowed head lightly and said in a low voice  

“Our beloved teacher left us in this insincere world’ then he hug me tightly and said  

“He gone in heaven ’  

John was also very sensitive and he was very close to teacher. Alas! He can never return. 

After death of my musician professor I couldn’t continue my music lessons more. That chapter of music learning in my life was closed, 

The sayings and advices from my musician teacher were staying constantly in my mind. I was only continuing my study after that death. After 6 months I realized that I should go for army training held in our district. I applied for 3 month training in summer vacations. But after that I decided to quiet that and continue my study. 

Final papers were held in our school. When exam finished, I started a job in nearby foundation as a duty manger. This job was only a time pass till my result. But unfortunately one night my father told me about their health issues and they insist me to marry her niece. I refused because my perspective for life was different. My old mother and father insist me more and I agreed with this mindset that I will focus on my aims and my goals after marriage. 

But what did I know that I will tie up and responsibilities are waiting for me. After two years of marriage I had a baby girl. I was looking forward to my future, but now I had to going through hurdles by kept eye on my family future also. After 3 years of my marriage my mother died and after one year the death of my mother, my beloved father died. My wealth condition was not too great to handle all the system in house. In my wife weak heart and breathing problem diagnosed. And I couldn’t imagine how my luck goes in dark. My wife passed away after two year fighting with diseases. Bad luck snatched a mother from an angel. 

Really I was too young to be in this much pain. That was worst condition ever for me. I was very sensitive and that’s why their missing place feels a lot. After 5 years I set my job efficiently and then I felt that I have to rise up with my skills. I started writing novels and applications for different departments. I was very far from me, the older me. Where my skills gone, where my knowledge gone. The thing values for me were to take care of my sweet daughter alone. I know I can go to option for second marriage or keeping my angel to any relative’s house but I couldn’t do that. In this fake kind of world I knew no one was with me and I have a daughter and she has a father and she is the world for me and I’m the world to her. So how could I leave her alone in un-sincere world? She’s mine and I had to look after her. Life took me to the point I never imagined. With time I realized there is still need to do the things I want. May be they will difficult but never impossible. Wanted to improve my singing and playing the instrument more. I had written many novels and other stuff and I could speak three languages at that time. I was in age 40 that time, my daughter build up into a sweet girl. She helped me to manage the house and she was also very careful and honest. 

Job that I was doing was not producing amount that could help me to publish my books and moving towards my bright future. When ever tried for new step, life gave me a hurdle to jump on. The main thing was the sources. If a person has sources to move on in life and ways to walk on, He would reach closer to destiny. Also I think so that hurdles come and go but they made you stronger every time but loss of your beloved ones makes your view about life meaningless. 

I know there are very responsibilities more for me, very tasks to fulfill in my life. Also death is waiting for me on some specific day. This is not valued for me now. Still I have a lot of works and objectives that should be done before my death. 

Now I can realize may be my perspectives were impossible, my imagination was too high than my act. I had many skills and I tried to be master on them simultaneously and that was impossible. On the other hand life gave me harsh days, hard decisions and deep lessons. Still my view is not changed I would come over my all fears if I could, and I will try continuously.  

This is not important now that my life gave me no sincere relations or my young years of life just passed away fighting with my difficulties. I would do things but feeling in my in is fed upped. 

 I’m faded now, I want to do things again but jaded. 

Actually the memory of my whole life vexed me. I want to do things but want to spend life with other responsibilities. My imagination doesn’t suits to my life’s story. But time doesn’t wait for anyone to fight his fears and come back to continue his life. It just passed away. I feel physically, mentally and emotionally tired. 

Its passing away with time, I’m done trying to be in it.